You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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