Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
