Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
