I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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