He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
handjob tips. give me some.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
