remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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