my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
