So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
