Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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