remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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