I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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