How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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