Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
