I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wish my penis had a tongue
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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