She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
