you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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