One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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