I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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