and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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