I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
