you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the day after is always just damage control
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
