i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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