I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
