i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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