tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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