Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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