i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
