I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
