she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
