if you like me you must not know who I am
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...