So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
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i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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