I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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