If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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