Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
