Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
