he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
