WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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