I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
