my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
