I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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