I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
