your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
