Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
