I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
