I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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