Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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