i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
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We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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