u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
