Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
