dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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