so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
