So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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