So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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