god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
