he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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