All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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