I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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