is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
